Remembering Telluride Trip in '05

To many, this post will seem odd, but those who experienced Telluride in '05 (Ben, Sam, Butch, Tim) will laugh!

November 2011

This month marks Neela being 2 1/2 years old!

In honor of this special month, here is the video Tim made for Neela's 2nd Birthday.

1 Month

This past month has been a journey no one plans for, but does happen to so many expectant mothers. Today marks one month of us finding out we had a miscarriage. When I think back to the day we found out, it seems so long ago. My heart has experienced joy, love, sorrow, sadness, heaviness, hope, peace, and rest. So many refining moments.

It's amazing when we found out we were having a baby how my whole life changed in a moment. In a moment everything changed. I was no longer a mother of one child, but of two. I can no longer drink coffee and cokes, now it is water, juices, and milk. Oh, I need to take a pre natal vitamin daily. Packing healthy snacks and lunch daily were no longer an option but a must. Documenting my daily health and being in tune with my body. Picturing Neela as a big sister and what our daily routine will look like soon. My mind was consumed with so many things.

In a moment, everything changed. Silence during the ultra sound. This pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy. Bleeding this much was not normal. The doctor letting us know this is not our fault. Stay to your regular routine (whatever that means) and come back in a few days for blood work. Doctor trying to make the air light as he walked out. The nurses giving us a long time before they came back. The word to describe this moment was sorrow.

Leaving the doctor office was a hard moment. In a moment we were given the gift of life and in a moment it was taken away.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.

In a moment like this, I needed grounding and footing. What is the foundation in my life? I needed to make sense of this tragedy and I am thankful for the foundation of my loving God present in my life. My heart needed a place to be real, to express sadness, and truth revealed. I am thankful for God's Word and the stories which show God's faithfulness, unconditional love, hope for my future, and comfort. We are not promised a life separate from pain, but we are given a hope through the pain. A everlasting hope that never wavers or turns away.

Verses of comfort:

Psalm 121

Psalm 91

Psalm 118:14- "The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

Psalm 118:24- "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

1 Peter 1:3-6: "Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused s to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been frieved by various trials,"

Proverbs 3:5,6- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

I am thankful God has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I remember the next day talking to Tim about everything and asking what is God teaching us through this and wanting to know how is God using this situation to reveal himself so I can stop feeling pain. And he reminded me it's ok to not know right a way what God is teaching us and it's ok to sit in the sorrow. He said we know He is in control of all things (Psalm 104), we know He loves us (John 3:16, 1 John), and we know He has a plan for our lives. More will be revealed with time, I needed to rest in Him and be real with my heart before the Lord.

I am thankful for my parents (and in-laws) and sweet cousins and friends support, encouragement, and prayers. Thankful for friends always checking in (Lisa, Diana, Alex, Deepika), a listening ear (Holly, my bible study leader), prayers (all my parents, Mackenzie, Geraline) and understanding what I am going through (Holly, Erin, Katherine). So many more people, the list goes on. I am thankful for the body of Christ. We are all uniquely gifted and this was revealed so powerfully at this time. I am so blessed by a merciful God.

I still have moments and days of sadness but I know this is a reminder to me of the hope to come. There will be a day with no more tears and pain.

Revelation 21:4- "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

I am reminded children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127) given to us to teach them who God is. When (if) we receive the gift of another child, I know God has taught me He is ultimate in control and will bless us with another child according to His will. Until that day, I will rejoice in the hope I have been given. I will thank the Lord for the blessings in my life, the gift of Tim and Neela. I am thankful He reveals himself to me daily and I am known as God's child.

Neela quotes

This girl just cracks me up. Here are a few of her current phrases she says often:

- "I want juice please."
- "I want to hold you."
- "Will you open for me?"
- "I need to go potty."
- "I want to pray."
- "Remember when we watched Lion King/Tangled/Beauty and the Beast?"
- "Mommy, I like your dress."
- "Only one." (this is usually referring to candy and she puts one finger up and has a very serious look on her face.)
- "Look, the Eiffel Tower." (She was pointing to an electrical tower that was really big and shaped like the Eiffel Tower. So cute! )
- "Can you turn the music up?" (This is a statement she says in the car when her "Lord's Army" song comes on, along with her thumb pointing up)
- "That is very very sharp/hot." (pointing to a knife with a very serious look on her face)

Just a few that come to mind. :)

(The time change and switching to a "big girl bed" has us up 2 hours earlier which explains why I am blogging at 6:30am :) )

Happy Monday!

Children

"Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court."
Psalm 127:3-5

Need

Due to me totaling my car a few weeks ago, I have been driving our Honda Odessey van for work. I've really enjoyed this because we have the new Shane and Shane cd in the van and I basically have this cd on repeat. :)

My current favorites are # 6, 7, and 10. To know what these songs are.... you need to buy the cd. :)

Well, I'll tell you number 7 is "Miracle".

This has been the prayer of my heart this week. I need the Lord even more than the air I breathe. I need the Lord every moment of everyday.

This week God has sweetly called me to trust in Him in all circumstances and to rest in the truth that I am a chosen child of God. He is drawing me near to Him daily and I yearn for his presence. Nothing catches Him off guard, He does not sleep or slumber, He knows all. He knows what is going to happen before we do and is using all things for His glory (Romans 8:28). I so often try to please others desiring others approval, "trying" to be a good wife and mother from my own strength, or even change situations I don't have control over. I need the Lord to rest in, to trust in, to be present in my daily life. I don't need to see a dead man come alive or see the cancer go away (phrases from the song), all I need is for Him to fill me up inside or know it will be ok because He is living and active in my life. (Hebrews 4:12)

A sweet friend pointed me to these verses which have been a place of dwelling this week and truth in my life.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds."
Jeremiah 17:7-10

Man, I am thankful I know God is my foundation and rock.

Another friend to these verses:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, becuase he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
Psalm 91:14-16

I am thankful He alone satisfies. I am thankful that when we call to Him, He answers. I need Him to move in my heart and be present in my life. I don't desire this, but thankful for a gracious, loving God.

A verse I currently have in my car.

"Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul."
Psalm 143:8

God daily is growing a desire within me, to trust in the Lord's steadfast love for me. To see myself as He sees me, as a child of God, and to live this out in my marriage, as a mom, a friend, co worker, and stranger. Use my circumstances to point others to Him and understand my need for God's presence, power, and love in my life even more than the air I breathe.

Movie at the Park

Recently we enjoyed a public movie at the park. What a fun experience for Neela. She enjoyed setting up our area and then getting to play around on the blanket with Daddy and Mommy. Tangled is the 2nd movie she is ever seen in her life and she is still talking about it to this day. Daily she talks about Lion King, her first movie to ever see and in the theater, and now Tangled. Literally within the first 5 minutes of her being awake in the morning she says, "Remember when we watched Lion King? It's over. I liked it." No joke, everyday! :) And she watched Lion King 3 weeks ago. I try to keep a straight face every time but sometimes I just have to laugh and give her a big hug.

Thankful for the privilege to be a Mom and to be Neela's Mom. She is such a joy and blessing in our lives. I enjoy seeing the world through her eyes and finding joy in simple, daily blessings. The joy of sitting on a blanket in the grass, bouncing up and down on Daddy, covering up with a blanket with her shoes off, eating her peanut butter crackers, and wearing her Dora dress. She enjoyed laughing when I would laugh at the adult humor and she did not know what was going on. She just enjoyed seeing me enjoy the movie. What a sweetie. Just to point out a few from this night.