1 Month

This past month has been a journey no one plans for, but does happen to so many expectant mothers. Today marks one month of us finding out we had a miscarriage. When I think back to the day we found out, it seems so long ago. My heart has experienced joy, love, sorrow, sadness, heaviness, hope, peace, and rest. So many refining moments.

It's amazing when we found out we were having a baby how my whole life changed in a moment. In a moment everything changed. I was no longer a mother of one child, but of two. I can no longer drink coffee and cokes, now it is water, juices, and milk. Oh, I need to take a pre natal vitamin daily. Packing healthy snacks and lunch daily were no longer an option but a must. Documenting my daily health and being in tune with my body. Picturing Neela as a big sister and what our daily routine will look like soon. My mind was consumed with so many things.

In a moment, everything changed. Silence during the ultra sound. This pregnancy was not a "normal" pregnancy. Bleeding this much was not normal. The doctor letting us know this is not our fault. Stay to your regular routine (whatever that means) and come back in a few days for blood work. Doctor trying to make the air light as he walked out. The nurses giving us a long time before they came back. The word to describe this moment was sorrow.

Leaving the doctor office was a hard moment. In a moment we were given the gift of life and in a moment it was taken away.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.

In a moment like this, I needed grounding and footing. What is the foundation in my life? I needed to make sense of this tragedy and I am thankful for the foundation of my loving God present in my life. My heart needed a place to be real, to express sadness, and truth revealed. I am thankful for God's Word and the stories which show God's faithfulness, unconditional love, hope for my future, and comfort. We are not promised a life separate from pain, but we are given a hope through the pain. A everlasting hope that never wavers or turns away.

Verses of comfort:

Psalm 121

Psalm 91

Psalm 118:14- "The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

Psalm 118:24- "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

1 Peter 1:3-6: "Blessed by the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused s to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been frieved by various trials,"

Proverbs 3:5,6- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

I am thankful God has given me a peace that surpasses all understanding. I remember the next day talking to Tim about everything and asking what is God teaching us through this and wanting to know how is God using this situation to reveal himself so I can stop feeling pain. And he reminded me it's ok to not know right a way what God is teaching us and it's ok to sit in the sorrow. He said we know He is in control of all things (Psalm 104), we know He loves us (John 3:16, 1 John), and we know He has a plan for our lives. More will be revealed with time, I needed to rest in Him and be real with my heart before the Lord.

I am thankful for my parents (and in-laws) and sweet cousins and friends support, encouragement, and prayers. Thankful for friends always checking in (Lisa, Diana, Alex, Deepika), a listening ear (Holly, my bible study leader), prayers (all my parents, Mackenzie, Geraline) and understanding what I am going through (Holly, Erin, Katherine). So many more people, the list goes on. I am thankful for the body of Christ. We are all uniquely gifted and this was revealed so powerfully at this time. I am so blessed by a merciful God.

I still have moments and days of sadness but I know this is a reminder to me of the hope to come. There will be a day with no more tears and pain.

Revelation 21:4- "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

I am reminded children are a gift from the Lord (Psalm 127) given to us to teach them who God is. When (if) we receive the gift of another child, I know God has taught me He is ultimate in control and will bless us with another child according to His will. Until that day, I will rejoice in the hope I have been given. I will thank the Lord for the blessings in my life, the gift of Tim and Neela. I am thankful He reveals himself to me daily and I am known as God's child.